Mental Health Benefits of Saying NO, Walking Away, and Refusing to People-please

Abstract

In a world where people-pleasing is often rewarded and boundaries are seen as offensive, many individuals find themselves emotionally drained, mentally unwell, and physically exhausted from constantly saying "yes." This research paper explores the psychological, physiological, and social benefits of learning to say “no,” being comfortable with being disliked and misunderstood, and walking away from toxic environments, people, and situations. Grounded in the biopsychosocial model of health, the paper uses accessible international English with African relevance to highlight real-life stories, psychological theory, and the pathophysiology of stress-related illnesses. Case studies are drawn from Africa, Asia, and the West to show the universal struggle of setting boundaries and the healing that can come from choosing oneself. The paper offers practical tools for reclaiming mental well-being and asserts that standing your ground, even when unpopular, is a vital act of emotional self-defense and mental hygiene.

Keywords: Mental health, boundaries, emotional resilience, people-pleasing, pathophysiology of stress, African wellness, psychological autonomy

Introduction

Let me ask you a simple question: when was the last time you said “no” to someone and didn’t feel guilty? If your answer is “I can’t remember” or “never,” you are not alone. Many people across the globe, especially in African, Asian, and Latin American cultures where communal living is the norm, grow up learning that saying “no” is selfish, disrespectful, or unkind. Whether it is an overworked mother in Nairobi, a burnt-out nurse in New Delhi, or a struggling student in Johannesburg — many of us are taught to say “yes” even when it hurts us.

This paper seeks to break this harmful cycle by exploring the science and art of boundary-setting. We will delve deep into the mental health benefits of saying “no,” accepting that not everyone will like us, and walking away from what no longer serves us. Drawing from psychology, neurology, and lived experience, we humanize this topic for an international audience, especially for those from African and low- to middle-income countries (LMICs), where conversations around emotional health are still emerging.

Through the lens of compassion and science, this paper argues that reclaiming the power to say “no” is not only a form of personal freedom—it is medicine for the mind, body, and soul.

Literature Review

The idea of saying “no,” being okay with being disliked, and walking away may sound simple, but it runs deep into the psychology of identity, trauma, and survival instincts. According to Brown (2018), many people struggle with boundaries because they fear abandonment or judgment. In many African and collectivist societies, where one’s value is often tied to service to others, assertiveness is misinterpreted as pride or rebellion (Aina & Morakinyo, 2021).

A classic study by Gabor Maté (2011) revealed that people who continuously suppress their needs to please others often end up with chronic illnesses such as high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, and even autoimmune diseases. Maté calls this the "disease to please" — a term now widely used in psychology circles. He explains that repressing one’s truth in order to maintain peace externally leads to internal war: inflammation, hormonal dysregulation, and chronic fatigue.

Further research by Linehan (1993), the founder of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), emphasizes the importance of emotional boundaries in protecting mental health. DBT teaches people to tolerate being misunderstood and disliked without compromising their values or mental peace. In a more recent study, Twenge et al. (2019) found that younger generations who set stronger boundaries experienced less anxiety and greater life satisfaction.

In African contexts, these concepts are only beginning to gain traction. A qualitative study in Kenya by Wambui et al. (2022) highlighted how rural women are beginning to reclaim personal space by setting small boundaries—like choosing when to rest, refusing harmful cultural practices, or walking away from abusive marriages. Though they face criticism, these women reported better sleep, lower blood pressure, and more confidence.

So, across continents, the message is becoming clear: saying “no” is not selfish. It is self-care, emotional protection, and, in many cases, life-saving.

Pathophysiology of People-Pleasing and Chronic Stress

To fully understand the harm of always saying “yes,” we must dive into the biology of stress.

When you ignore your own needs to please others, your brain perceives this as a threat—even if it’s not a lion chasing you. Your hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis becomes activated, flooding your system with cortisol and adrenaline (McEwen, 2007). These stress hormones prepare your body for fight, flight, or freeze. This is fine for short periods. But when people-pleasing becomes a lifestyle, your body stays in this heightened state, leading to chronic stress.

Long-term activation of the stress response disrupts almost every system in your body:

• Cardiovascular system: High cortisol raises blood pressure and cholesterol, increasing the risk of heart disease.
• Immune system: Chronic stress suppresses immunity, making the body prone to frequent infections (Segerstrom & Miller, 2004).
• Digestive system: Stress slows digestion, causing issues like gastritis, acid reflux, constipation, or diarrhoea.
• Endocrine system: Hormonal imbalances can trigger conditions like Type 2 diabetes, PCOS, or thyroid dysfunction.
• Reproductive system: Chronic stress lowers libido, affects menstrual cycles, and can even lead to infertility.
• Brain and nervous system: Long-term cortisol exposure shrinks the hippocampus (memory center) and inflames the amygdala (fear center), increasing anxiety, depression, and emotional instability (Sapolsky, 2004).

Imagine a 45-year-old Kenyan teacher who always agrees to work overtime, care for extended family, and say “yes” to church responsibilities even when exhausted. Her body, always in stress mode, begins to break down—fatigue, headaches, menstrual issues, and anxiety become her daily reality. She may not connect these symptoms to emotional suppression, but the body always keeps score (van der Kolk, 2014).

This is why saying “no” is not rude—it’s medicine. When you say “no,” your nervous system relaxes. Cortisol drops. The immune system activates. You sleep better. Your digestion improves. Your hormones balance. You breathe easier.

Mental Health Implications of Saying “No,” Being Disliked, and Walking Away

Let us now discuss what happens to the mind when we embrace boundaries and learn to let go.

1. Improved Self-Esteem

When you say “no” to things that don’t serve you, you send yourself a message: “I matter.” Over time, this raises your self-esteem. A study by Neff & Germer (2013) showed that self-compassion practices—like setting healthy boundaries—are strongly linked to higher self-worth and lower depression.

2. Reduced Anxiety

Anxiety often comes from overcommitment. You say “yes” to everything, then panic when you can’t meet expectations. Saying “no” creates margin in your life. A South African case study (Mabaso et al., 2020) showed that university students who learned assertiveness techniques reported significantly less anxiety and better academic performance.

3. Better Relationships

It may seem ironic, but people who set boundaries often enjoy deeper relationships. Why? Because boundaries breed respect. A Nigerian therapist, Dr. Olamide Afolabi, explains that “when you train people how to treat you by walking away from disrespect, you attract healthier connections.” Walking away isn’t abandonment. It is self-respect.

4. Increased Emotional Resilience

Being disliked or misunderstood is emotionally uncomfortable. But practicing this discomfort builds resilience. Just like physical exercise builds muscle by stressing the body, saying “no” strengthens your emotional muscles. Over time, you begin to care less about approval and more about peace.

5. Clarity and Focus

Saying “no” eliminates distractions. You start focusing on what truly matters. One Ethiopian NGO worker shared anonymously that when she stopped attending every community meeting out of guilt and only focused on health education, her impact doubled and burnout disappeared.

Case Studies

Case Study 1: A Rural Kenyan Nurse’s Wake-Up Call

Jane, a 38-year-old nurse working in a county hospital in Kenya, had always been the dependable one. She said "yes" to night shifts, to covering for colleagues, to helping family—even when exhausted. Over the years, she developed ulcers, back pain, and struggled with depression. A therapist introduced her to boundary-setting. She started saying “no” to extra shifts, took regular rest days, and declined family requests that would stretch her too thin. Initially, she was judged harshly. “You’ve changed,” people said. But within six months, her health improved drastically. Her sleep returned. Her self-respect grew. “Now I say no even before I feel guilty,” she said with a smile.

Case Study 2: A Young Indian Engineer Finds Her Voice

Priya, a 27-year-old software engineer in Bangalore, often agreed to social plans she didn't enjoy because she feared rejection. She also stayed in a toxic romantic relationship for two years because she didn’t want to “hurt him.” Therapy helped her unpack her fear of being disliked. She began to assert her needs, walked away from the relationship, and started choosing her peace over approval. “I lost some people,” she admitted, “but I found myself.”

Case Study 3: A Ugandan Student’s Mental Health Turnaround

John, a university student in Kampala, suffered from migraines and anxiety. He was a people-pleaser—serving in four student organizations, studying full-time, and helping out at home. He started attending a peer-support group where he was introduced to the concept of emotional boundaries. Slowly, he reduced his commitments, set limits with his family, and made “no” his default until he evaluated if he truly had capacity. “For the first time in years, I feel like I’m breathing,” he said.

Cultural Perspectives

Cultural beliefs can either support or sabotage boundary-setting.

In many African cultures, children are taught to obey elders without question. While respect is vital, this often leads to emotional silence. A study by Ogunleye (2019) notes that African children grow into adults who fear asserting themselves because they equate disagreement with disrespect.

In contrast, Western cultures often promote individualism, making it easier for people to set boundaries, but even there, social media pressures and workaholism push many toward burnout.

Importantly, this paper doesn't advocate for cultural rebellion, but for emotional balance. Boundaries don’t have to mean cutting people off—they can mean restructuring access. You can love people and still say, “Not today.” You can honor your culture and still walk away from parts of it that harm your well-being.

Practical Tools for Saying No and Walking Away

Here are some simple, culturally adaptable tools to help individuals say “no” and protect their mental space:

1. The Pause Rule: Before saying “yes,” pause. Ask yourself: Do I have capacity? Is this aligned with my values?
2. The Sandwich Technique: Say something kind, insert your “no,” then end with reassurance.
• Example: “Thank you for thinking of me. I can’t take this on right now. But I hope it goes well!”
3. Write It First: If face-to-face conversations are hard, write a message. This allows you to edit and express clearly.
4. Boundaries with Love: You can be firm and kind. Saying “no” doesn’t require harshness—just clarity.
5. Walk-Away Affirmations:
• “I am not responsible for how others feel about my boundaries.”
• “Disapproval is uncomfortable, but not dangerous.”
• “Peace is more important than popularity.”
6. Community Support: Seek out like-minded people—online or offline—who also value emotional health. Healing is easier in community.

Conclusion

Saying “no,” embracing being disliked, and walking away from toxic spaces are not acts of cruelty—they are acts of courage. In a noisy world full of expectations, people-pleasing has become a hidden epidemic. This paper has shown that chronic self-abandonment leads to real biological damage—stress hormones, weakened immunity, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.

But there is hope. Across Africa, Asia, and the globe, people are waking up. They are reclaiming their voice, their mental health, and their right to peace. Whether it's a nurse in Kenya, a student in Uganda, or a woman in Bangalore—the message is the same: You don’t have to burn yourself to keep others warm.

So, say “no” a lot. Be okay with being disliked. Be misunderstood and still stand your ground. Walk away when necessary. Your body, mind, and future self will thank you.

References

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