If You Want to Die as Soon as Last Year, Fall in Love and Marry Someone You Aren't Compatible with: How Incompatibility Affects Love-Life and Marriage

Introduction

There's a saying in Africa: "If you want to test the depth of a river, don’t use both feet." When it comes to marriage, let’s just say many people dive headfirst into the murky waters, no life jacket, no helmet, just vibes and "butterflies in the stomach." But here’s the kicker – while the butterflies might be fluttering on your first date, they tend to turn into bats by the time you're signing up for a marriage license with someone whose compatibility with you is like a goat trying to swim – a disaster waiting to happen.

Incompatibility, in marriage or a long-term relationship, isn’t just about different hobbies or tastes in food. It's the profound mismatch in values, communication styles, life goals, and that unspoken wavelength that happy couples seem to float on. Marrying someone incompatible can turn your life into a rollercoaster ride of frustration, and in African society, where extended families have a vested interest in everything from how many babies you should have to why your husband isn’t eating ugali, things get even trickier.

So, grab your tea (or your love letter draft) and let’s dive into the true hazards of marrying a person who might be great on paper – or for someone else – but is destined to be the plot twist in your own "survival story."

Part 1: Incompatibility – When Sparks Turn Into Wildfires

The Myth: "Opposites Attract"

One of the most popular myths, packaged in Hollywood and exported to Africa, is that "opposites attract." This might be true for magnets but try applying this in marriage, and you’ll learn that "opposites" do not come together; they collide. Remember the African proverb: “The fish eagle does not go for frogs when there are fish in the river.” It means we naturally gravitate towards what suits us best, yet people are out here tying themselves to partners as compatible as a lion and a cucumber.

Case Study: Adisa and Bisi
Adisa and Bisi met at a wedding where Adisa, a quiet accountant, was charmed by Bisi’s booming laughter and animated storytelling. They believed that their contrasting personalities would balance each other out. Six months into their marriage, Bisi’s extroverted nature and habit of inviting friends over every weekend made Adisa feel like a stranger in his own house. The "opposites attract" myth was thoroughly debunked when they realized that what they once found "intriguing" was now driving them apart.

Part 2: The Subtle Art of Making Each Other Miserable

Anecdote: The Nigerian Couple and the Pounded Yam War
Imagine this: Kemi loves pounded yam with all her heart, while her husband, Chinedu, absolutely despises it. Their marital disharmony reached peak levels when Kemi, after a stressful day, wanted nothing more than a steaming bowl of pounded yam, and Chinedu couldn’t stand the sight or smell of it. They ended up having a "cold war" over dinner plans, leaving them to stew – without the yam.

It sounds ridiculous, but anyone married for more than a few years knows that these small things pile up. A survey on African marriages showed that seemingly trivial issues, like food preferences and household routines, contribute to simmering resentment. “It is not the things you know that hurt you; it is the ones you ignore.”

Part 3: Compatibility – What It Actually Means (and Why It’s Vital for Survival)

Compatibility isn't just about sharing a favorite football team. It's the foundational layer that supports your marriage through the "for better or worse" moments. It’s the ability to agree on big issues, even if you disagree on the little things.

The Myth: "Love Conquers All"

This might be the most dangerous myth of them all. Love, in its fairytale form, is not enough to make a marriage work. There’s an Ethiopian proverb that says, “Love is like a baby; it needs constant care.” No matter how much you "love" each other, if your values are worlds apart, love won't pay the rent, love won’t clean the house, and love certainly won't prevent the arguments about raising kids, handling finances, or which side of the family gets more attention.

Case Study: Daniel and Amina
Daniel and Amina, both health professionals from Kenya, fell deeply in love during medical school. Daniel was focused on building a private practice, while Amina dreamed of joining Médecins Sans Frontières and traveling the world. They loved each other deeply, but their diverging career goals and life visions created a gap that no amount of love could fill. They eventually decided to part ways when they realized that love couldn’t conquer their ambitions pulling them in opposite directions.

Part 4: The Health Risks of Living in Marital Misery

Psychologists and healthcare experts alike warn that staying in a miserable marriage can lead to both mental and physical health issues. Stress, depression, high blood pressure – the list goes on. Imagine waking up every day feeling like you’re living with a roommate who just happens to have keys to all your emotional baggage. That’s incompatibility in marriage.

A recent study from the University of Ibadan found that individuals in incompatible relationships experience heightened levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), which has been linked to numerous health issues including cardiovascular disease. Imagine someone suffering from stress-induced migraines simply because their spouse’s snoring sounds like a malfunctioning generator.

Part 5: African Proverbs to the Rescue – Ancient Wisdom on Compatibility

Our African ancestors had it right with proverbs that still apply today. Let’s explore some:

1. “The termite that eats a house lives inside the wood.”
   Meaning: Problems start from within. Compatibility issues in marriage aren't "little termites"; they’re time bombs, waiting to tear down the foundation from the inside.

2. “A man who uses a long spoon must have a very big pot.”
   Translation: You can’t go into marriage unprepared and expect success. Choosing someone incompatible is like trying to cook a feast in a teacup.

3. “The lizard that jumps from a high tree to the ground says he will try it again.”
   Lesson: Sometimes, those who ignore compatibility and marry based on emotions alone find themselves regretting the jump they took. Spoiler: trying it again is not recommended.

Part 6: Compatibility Checkpoints – Save Yourself the Headache

Before you jump into marriage with the next person who gives you butterflies, consider these "compatibility checkpoints":

1. Values and Beliefs
   If you’re a deeply religious person and your partner is a "Sundays-only" worshipper, you’re setting up for conflict.

2. Family Dynamics
   In African cultures, marriage often means marrying the family too. If you’re not compatible with your partner's family dynamics, it's like living in a war zone without knowing who the real enemy is.

3. Financial Habits
   “If two people can’t share a broom, how can they sweep the house?” Financial incompatibility is one of the top causes of marital discord.

4. Life Goals
   Whether it’s career, children, or lifestyle preferences, ensure you’re on the same page.

Conclusion: So, What’s the Verdict?

Marriage isn’t for the faint-hearted, especially if you plan to survive it with your sanity intact. African proverbs, ancient wisdom, and modern research all point to one fact: compatibility is essential. Incompatibility, on the other hand, is a slow but sure recipe for heartbreak, health issues, and, quite possibly, a regret-laden life.

So, dear reader, if you don’t mind feeling ten years older than your age or find it thrilling to live on a steady diet of frustration and disappointment, then sure, marry someone you’re incompatible with. But remember this South African proverb: “If you marry a monkey for his wealth, the money goes, but the monkey remains.”

Love may bring you together, but compatibility will keep you from tearing each other apart.